Firsts and Lasts.

Adeline is the youngest member of my extended family so she is of course in charge of everything. She has recently learned to walk with the help of her Wheely Bug. Not exactly what it was intended for but she gets such a great deal of pleasure from chasing us around and running it into our ankles that it motivated her to progress. In stark contrast to Adeline's firsts which just keep coming I have also been spending time with a friend of mine who is experiencing some of his lasts. His kidneys have given him trouble, and he's had a couple of falls that have rather hastened the aging process. He used to walk all over town for the joy of it. Now he needs help making it across the room. I visited him the other night and found myself wondering at many things that seem so messed up about this life process. I also found myself appreciating many things about it. What I really got hung up on though was the notion that when he took his last walk around our neighborhood he didn't know that it would be his last. Something he cherished so much, and he did not know to pay attention and take his time and soak it in.
As a mother there are many moments like that. Lasts that we don't know will be the last. The last time that your child looks at you with complete adoration. The last time they let you see them naked. The last time they insist you tuck them in. The last time they crawl into your lap with a book. The last time they throw a tantrum. And though I feel a certain sadness at this fading away of things, I can not imagine the unbearable weight of sorrow that I would have felt in those moments had I known they were the last. There have to be lasts of course just as there will always be firsts. The hardest thing to remember is to soak them all in as if they just might be... To pay attention and be present. To shriek and run from a little ankle biting Wheely Bug and watch those firsts intently because they often leave a last in their wake.